The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Dear Readers,

As a clinical psychologist and life coach I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside couples who want not just to stay married but to feel deeply connected in their marriage.

One of the most powerful, research-based frameworks I often share comes from John Gottman, co-founder of The Gottman Institute, and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. After studying thousands of couples over decades, he identified seven principles that consistently show up in strong, lasting relationships.

But before I share them, I want to say something important: this is not easy.

Marriage is beautiful and it is also hard. It asks us to grow, to confront our patterns, to communicate when we’d rather shut down, and to stay open when we feel hurt. I know this not only professionally, but personally. As a divorced woman, I am living proof that knowing the principles is one thing, consistently practicing them is another. Growth requires intention, humility, and two people willing to do the work. And yet, the effort is worth it.

Here are the seven principles that can transform a relationship when practiced consistently:

First, happy couples know each other deeply. They continue building what Gottman calls “love maps.” They stay curious about each other’s inner worlds, their stresses, dreams, fears, and evolving goals. Marriage isn’t about assuming you already know your partner. It’s about continuing to discover them.

Second, strong marriages nurture fondness and admiration. Over time, it’s easy to focus on what frustrates us. But healthy couples intentionally notice what they appreciate. A simple “thank you” or “I admire how you handled that” can protect a relationship from resentment and contempt.

Third, thriving couples turn toward each other instead of away. Every day, your partner makes small “bids” for connection: a comment, a sigh, a story, a look. When we pause, make eye contact, and respond warmly, we strengthen emotional trust. It’s rarely the grand gestures that hold marriages together, it's the small moments.

Fourth, lasting couples allow each other to have influence. Marriage isn’t about winning arguments. It’s about partnership. Listening without defensiveness and being open to compromise builds mutual respect and emotional safety.

Fifth, they learn to solve solvable problems gently. The way a conversation begins often determines how it ends. Soft startups saying “I feel…” instead of “You always…” reduce defensiveness and keep discussions productive. Conflict itself isn’t the enemy; harshness is.

Sixth, strong couples understand that some problems can feel perpetual. Instead of trying to “fix” everything, they explore the deeper meaning beneath recurring conflicts. Often, these disagreements hide dreams, fears, or core values. When partners feel heard and understood, even ongoing differences become easier to manage.

Finally, thriving marriages create shared meaning. They build rituals, traditions, goals, and a shared vision for the future. Whether it’s a weekly date night, family traditions, or shared financial or spiritual values, having something you’re building together strengthens the bond.

If there’s one thing I want you to take away, it’s this: strong marriages are not built on perfection. They are built on daily choices choosing kindness, curiosity, respect, and connection again and again.

And if you are struggling, please hear me. Struggling does not mean failing. It means you are human.

Marriage works when friendship is strong, conflict is respectful, and both partners feel emotionally safe. And while it isn’t easy, it is possible when both people are willing.

With honesty, compassion, and belief in growth,
Andrea